Exploding Doormats
02/12/09 17:19 Filed in: Tips
Have you come across an Exploding Doormat yet?
No, it's not the latest Christmas gift idea here in Oxfordshire. Although it would be a novel way to get rid of out of tune carol singers or unwanted guests.
An Exploding Doormat is someone who seems to be mild mannered and easy going and then, with little or no warning, blows their top, hurling abuse or the best china across the room. And you're left wondering where that all came from.
An Exploding Doormat has the supernatural ability to time travel too. They will remind you of things you said or did, or forgot to do, months or even years ago. When it comes to your failings they've suddenly become a Memory Maestro.
Oh, and they'll probably globalize and use words like "never" and "always" when criticizing you as well. Like "you NEVER remember..." or "you're ALWAYS so lazy..."
At my Beautiful Spaces clinics, in Witney and Bampton, time and time again I've heard clients saying that they've thought they've got their point across but don't feel listened to, until they reach the end of their tether and just explode.
Or people tell me that their normally mild mannered wife hurled a mug across the kitchen last night when all they'd done was forget to put the rubbish out.
I was talking to a client recently, before a hypnotherapy session, and she told me that her husband of over 20 years had said that she didn't make herself clear or get her point across.
She told me that it feels that no-one has ever really listened to her. Or if they've listened then they haven't actually heard what she's said.
So, she too had exploded and it was a bit messy.
So, what do you do if you're the one in the line of fire, or if you feel you're in danger of becoming an Exploding Doormat yourself?
If it's your partner who's exploding...
* Try to keep calm yourself, however much abuse or crockery is being hurled your way. They are not thinking straight as their intelligent brain has been hijacked by their emotional brain and if you argue back then you'll just fuel their explosion. But whatever you do, don't patronize them. They are at breaking point.
*While you duck to avoid the flying china try to listen to the nugget of the complaint buried in all the criticism.
Do they actually have a point?
*Agree with the person if you can about the specific incident that's been the trigger and try to work out from them what you can do to make things better.
*Tell them you know what they're saying is really important and you're going to take a few moments to think about it. Then leave the room if you feel you're likely to get drawn into a volcanic eruption and give them some peace to calm down so you can then talk rationally.
If you're the one who's an Exploding Doormat...
* Work out why you haven't been heard before and it's reached such a drastic stage? You know that it probably isn't just about this one incident involving putting the rubbish out. It's more likely to be a build up of resentment over time and a feeling of having said again and again that something is bothering you.
Why haven't you been listened to or heard though?
* Think about your request, whatever it is. Has it been fair? Have you been expecting the rubbish to be put out when actually your partner feels they do more than their fair share already?
* It can help you when you begin to see things through the other's eyes. Close your eyes for a moment and get a sense of being in their body, seeing how you see things from their perspective. Put your own feelings aside a sec and really get a sense of stepping into their shoes.
What do you see? What does it feel like?
* And now really hearing what your requests or demands have sounded like to their ears.
Has it sounded like nagging? Are they hearing a constant drone of you never being satisfied or saying thanks for the things that they have done?
Or have your words just been lost, so not bearing the weight of significance they deserve?
Very often we say something, thinking the other person really hears the underlying meaning of what we're saying, but sometimes they'd have to be psychic to understand us.
We say "I suppose I'll put the rubbish out again, shall I?", meaning "I wish you would put the rubbish out as I'm fed up of always doing it". And they hear "I'm putting the rubbish out". Statement of fact. No big deal. Ok, you're putting the rubbish out. Great.
Before you reach breaking point help yourself be understood...
* Getting someone's undivided attention is a good start. It's not the best time to launch into a meaningful conversation when they're watching Eastenders.
* Make eye contact. In a pleasant, not hostile way! Avoid contempt. Make sure those eyes don't roll towards heaven.
* Use solution-focused language. Don't dwell on the problem but focus on how you'd like things to be. So, instead of saying "you never put the rubbish out..." try " when we take it in turns to put the rubbish out..."
* Don't time travel. Deal with the specific incident not how many times it's happened over the last 20 years.
* Avoid the words Never or Always, unless it's a compliment.
Talking of compliments, dish them out regularly. People like to feel appreciated and are more likely to be receptive or helpful if they feel their good deeds are noticed.
* Ask your partner to help you learn to make yourself clearer when you need to get something important across. What can you do to be heard? Maybe it's talking slower or more calmly, being to the point and direct, without hoping they'll just guess what you really mean.
* And talk about how you feel, rather than how they make you feel. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Point the finger at yourself instead. So instead of " you make me feel..." try " when such and such happens I feel..."
If you'd like more help communicating then get in touch. I regularly see couples at my clinics in Witney and Bampton in Oxfordshire. It's cheaper than getting a divorce and a lot less painful than having china hurled at your head.
No, it's not the latest Christmas gift idea here in Oxfordshire. Although it would be a novel way to get rid of out of tune carol singers or unwanted guests.
An Exploding Doormat is someone who seems to be mild mannered and easy going and then, with little or no warning, blows their top, hurling abuse or the best china across the room. And you're left wondering where that all came from.
An Exploding Doormat has the supernatural ability to time travel too. They will remind you of things you said or did, or forgot to do, months or even years ago. When it comes to your failings they've suddenly become a Memory Maestro.
Oh, and they'll probably globalize and use words like "never" and "always" when criticizing you as well. Like "you NEVER remember..." or "you're ALWAYS so lazy..."
At my Beautiful Spaces clinics, in Witney and Bampton, time and time again I've heard clients saying that they've thought they've got their point across but don't feel listened to, until they reach the end of their tether and just explode.
Or people tell me that their normally mild mannered wife hurled a mug across the kitchen last night when all they'd done was forget to put the rubbish out.
I was talking to a client recently, before a hypnotherapy session, and she told me that her husband of over 20 years had said that she didn't make herself clear or get her point across.
She told me that it feels that no-one has ever really listened to her. Or if they've listened then they haven't actually heard what she's said.
So, she too had exploded and it was a bit messy.
So, what do you do if you're the one in the line of fire, or if you feel you're in danger of becoming an Exploding Doormat yourself?
If it's your partner who's exploding...
* Try to keep calm yourself, however much abuse or crockery is being hurled your way. They are not thinking straight as their intelligent brain has been hijacked by their emotional brain and if you argue back then you'll just fuel their explosion. But whatever you do, don't patronize them. They are at breaking point.
*While you duck to avoid the flying china try to listen to the nugget of the complaint buried in all the criticism.
Do they actually have a point?
*Agree with the person if you can about the specific incident that's been the trigger and try to work out from them what you can do to make things better.
*Tell them you know what they're saying is really important and you're going to take a few moments to think about it. Then leave the room if you feel you're likely to get drawn into a volcanic eruption and give them some peace to calm down so you can then talk rationally.
If you're the one who's an Exploding Doormat...
* Work out why you haven't been heard before and it's reached such a drastic stage? You know that it probably isn't just about this one incident involving putting the rubbish out. It's more likely to be a build up of resentment over time and a feeling of having said again and again that something is bothering you.
Why haven't you been listened to or heard though?
* Think about your request, whatever it is. Has it been fair? Have you been expecting the rubbish to be put out when actually your partner feels they do more than their fair share already?
* It can help you when you begin to see things through the other's eyes. Close your eyes for a moment and get a sense of being in their body, seeing how you see things from their perspective. Put your own feelings aside a sec and really get a sense of stepping into their shoes.
What do you see? What does it feel like?
* And now really hearing what your requests or demands have sounded like to their ears.
Has it sounded like nagging? Are they hearing a constant drone of you never being satisfied or saying thanks for the things that they have done?
Or have your words just been lost, so not bearing the weight of significance they deserve?
Very often we say something, thinking the other person really hears the underlying meaning of what we're saying, but sometimes they'd have to be psychic to understand us.
We say "I suppose I'll put the rubbish out again, shall I?", meaning "I wish you would put the rubbish out as I'm fed up of always doing it". And they hear "I'm putting the rubbish out". Statement of fact. No big deal. Ok, you're putting the rubbish out. Great.
Before you reach breaking point help yourself be understood...
* Getting someone's undivided attention is a good start. It's not the best time to launch into a meaningful conversation when they're watching Eastenders.
* Make eye contact. In a pleasant, not hostile way! Avoid contempt. Make sure those eyes don't roll towards heaven.
* Use solution-focused language. Don't dwell on the problem but focus on how you'd like things to be. So, instead of saying "you never put the rubbish out..." try " when we take it in turns to put the rubbish out..."
* Don't time travel. Deal with the specific incident not how many times it's happened over the last 20 years.
* Avoid the words Never or Always, unless it's a compliment.
Talking of compliments, dish them out regularly. People like to feel appreciated and are more likely to be receptive or helpful if they feel their good deeds are noticed.
* Ask your partner to help you learn to make yourself clearer when you need to get something important across. What can you do to be heard? Maybe it's talking slower or more calmly, being to the point and direct, without hoping they'll just guess what you really mean.
* And talk about how you feel, rather than how they make you feel. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Point the finger at yourself instead. So instead of " you make me feel..." try " when such and such happens I feel..."
If you'd like more help communicating then get in touch. I regularly see couples at my clinics in Witney and Bampton in Oxfordshire. It's cheaper than getting a divorce and a lot less painful than having china hurled at your head.
0 Comments